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he party’s over. Everyone out of the pool! Most women spend the year prior to a divorce emotionally divorcing themselves. Most men spend the year prior to a divorce hiding the money.
What's a woman to do?!
1. 1) Before you get married, acknowledge at what you’re good (e.g. budgeting) and at what you’re not so good (e.g. depression spending). Decide if you want a pre-nuptial agreement. Meet with a financial planner; meet with a marital attorney. Review what you own and owe (a Balance Sheet or Net-Worth Statement) and what comes in and out, and, when (an Income Statement and/or a Cash-Flow Statement and/or a Budget). Pull your credit reports.
2. 2) Discuss Money. Discuss goals, values, lifestyle, risk tolerance, strengths & weaknesses, and DISCLOSURE (paychecks, bank accounts, taxes, debt & credit). Who’s going to handle what? Is there going to be ‘your’ money, ‘my’ money, and ‘our’ money? (For bill paying and/or investing). Are their credit issues? Do you want to file joint tax returns? (There are pros & cons such as liability, privacy and tax benefits/penalties).
3. 3) Learn about Money. You don’t have to get a college degree or watch the stock report. Just stay aware of news reports, articles, overheard conversations, and ask questions, even when you think they’re dumb, because people will enjoy impressing you with their wisdom and information. Research with the web; go to the Learning Annex for an evening.
4. 4) Stay Involved. Notice what bills do, or don’t, come in the door. Notice if there are ATM statements. Are the bills paid? Is the insurance paid and up-to-date? What’s the bank balance? What are the credit card balances and other debts? Are the taxes filed? Are they paid? Did you receive a refund? Is there a list of where to find things, does someone know where it is? If there’s an emergency, do you or they know who to call, what medical decisions are to be made? Where documents are? (e.g. Health Care Proxies, Living Wills, Durable Powers-of-Attorney, Wills, Trusts, bank books, bank branches, contact information for doctors and financial advisors)
5. 5) Take Inventory.
a. Gather all important documents (in private?) and photocopy them (e.g. bank statements, brokerage & retirement statements, paystubs & benefits statements, tax returns, insurance policies, legal documents, important bills & credit card statements, tax returns, legal documents).
b. Investigate areas of which you have heightened awareness (e.g. is the ‘cash’ in the house? Are important items missing? Are the charge cards being driven up, or the bank account being wiped out? Is the Safe Deposit key there? Are there repeated ATM transactions from a machine in a neighborhood not near his office or home? How about credit card charges at odd locations or vendors?)
6. 6) Make an Emergency Plan. If you’re thinking about these things, chances are he has. Do you have emergency cash? An ATM card? A checkbook? Credit cards in your own name? Money stashed away that no one can block? Jewelry or other valuables? Do you have keys, a car, and a telephone? How about clothes? Do you have a friend to call and a place to stay, if something comes ‘out of left field’?
7. 7) Monitor. ‘Is inventory’ changing?
8. 8) Learn about Divorce. There’s my website’s ‘Forms and Articles’ (www.SimonsFinancialNetwork.com). There are others, such as the Association of Divorce Financial Planners, which I helped found and Chaired (www.divorceandfinance.org), there’s the web, and there are books, Divorce Magazine, seminars, and consultations with divorce financial planners, mediators, and attorneys (and if you consult with an attorney, and then don’t engage them, they are prohibited from consulting with him!)
9. 9) Assemble a Team. More often than not, the ‘man’ in the relationship’ has the financial team. He has a broker, an insurance agent, an accountant, and maybe, a lawyer. “He knows how to talk their language”; “he understands finance, and knows the jargon”. “Don’ you wurry yur pretty little head, darlin’, I’ll take care of everythang”. Men don’t expect you to be able to hire an ‘A-Team’, much less so quickly; it doesn’t dawn on them. There are Divorce Financial Planners, like me, Divorce Mediators (I’m trained), Attorneys who mediate, collaborate (including interdisciplinary, i.e. specially trained attorneys, mental health professionals, and financial pros), or litigate, Private Detectives, Forensic Accountants (how’s that for scaring off pants?), Actuaries for valuing pensions and annuities, business valuators, tech specialists, Real Estate Appraisers, Mortgage Brokers, Bankers, the IRS, Family Courts, co-workers, neighbors, etc. who can be your educators, support, advocates, White Knights, or Hired Guns. If you look, you’ll find moral, if not compassionate ones. Meet them, feel them out, price them out; decide what you need, and what you can afford. Let them know what you expect of them (e.g. behavior, goals, and returning phone calls within set limits, to work with other team members). Negotiate compensation (including non-financial, such as press or referrals) and payment arrangements. (This will be excellent experience for the divorce proceedings!) You also should work with a personal mental health professional, and decide if you desire a confidante. Men don't expect this; men don’t like this. But, alas, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
10) Make a Plan. Speak with all the members, create a plan, state the plan, create a strategy. Decide who you want to Captain the team.
11) Engage the Divorce. Separate part of yourself from yourself to become the ‘CEO’. The mindset of the CEO is that she comes from power and confidence. She arrives with power and confidence. She has others who support and represent her, and they blaze her way so that she may enter unencumbered, and without distraction or disturbance. Others will speak for her in certain matters, while she sits silently wearing her best Poker Face; this way, when she does elect to speak - everyone listens! The CEO controls the negotiations. The CEO makes tough decisions with their stakeholders in mind. Be smart, listen to council, speak your mind, reflect, make decisions. Coordinate the team. Take care of your emotional self (behind closed doors unless it serves a greater purpose).
So, okay, you wanna hear Engelbert sing it? After the Lovin' by Engelbert Humperdinck
http://xrrf.blogspot.com/2009/11/stuck-on-repeat-2009-best-of-lists.html
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